I don’t like to use the word “demand” very often. It just seems so … demanding, and if you know me, you know that it’s completely out of step with my nature. I’m as go with the flow as it gets, which is why I can’t understand management’s recent refusal to even acknowledge the list of requests I submitted pertaining to the week I fill in for Mark Davis.
Everyone knows I’m a professional entertainer, so I assumed they’d be pleased that I’m a woman who knows what she wants, and more important, what she needs to execute a flawless performance. Walking down the hall today I thought I heard someone utter “diva” under their breath.
What on earth is unreasonable about this?
Studio temperature shall be no lower than 73.2 degrees and shall not exceed 74.6 degrees.
Keurig one-cup coffee maker in the talk studio with Donut Shop or Newman’s Own pods provided — bold roast preferred, medium roast acceptable (but will potentially hinder performance). Water reservoir should remain full at all times. Bottle of low-fat sweet cream (on ice) placed within three feet of sound board.
Scentsy (or comparable) flameless candle provided with ample supply of wax pods. No fruity, vanilla, or soapy scents. Prefer autumn or winter-themed fragrances such as spice, pumpkin, pine, etc.
Fresh tulips daily within view of host chair. This calms me. (No eucalyptus filler. It gives me a headache.)
In-studio massage therapist daily from 8:28-8:33amCT. Please note that special attention should be paid to head and hands. (I really shouldn’t have to say this, but it seems like I always do.)
Signage indicating “The Susan Cloud Show” to be placed in three separate locations in talk studio, all visible from host chair, and at least 2ft X 2ft in size … but not so large as to give the impression of pretension. (I completely trust your judgement on this.)
16″X20″ portrait of Bill Kristol within view of host chair. (Three hours of solo talk per day require inspiration. Just trust me on this.)
Mirror placed on wall directly in front of host chair. I prefer to look at myself when I’m talking. It puts me at ease and quiets my spirit.
Assorted hard candies in easy-to-reach dish. Mint, wintergreen, or butterscotch preferred … please, no fruit flavors. (No, I don’t need M&M’s sorted by color. Can you believe how ridiculous some people can be?)
Technical producer Shane Bell’s attire should reflect seriousness and professionalism. Collared shirts only, please, and slacks … no jeans.
Reserved parking spot within 20 feet of south door with corresponding signage, (or just send a car, whatever works best … seriously, I’m easy.)
Please do not allow other employees to refer to Helen Chapa (who will be assisting with call screening) as the producer. She should be referred to only as the “call screener.” I am still the producer of this show, and hearing someone else referred to as such could potentially shatter my calm.
So, there it is. I honestly don’t understand what all the fuss is about, but regardless, I do hope that you’ll tune in December 26-28th.
It’s gonna be a party.