Our annual family pumpkin carving party was yesterday, and as I considered various design options, it became clear to me that I needed to follow my heart and attempt what I have always wanted to attempt: the Krist-O-Latern.
I went online and Googled the terms “Bill, Kristol, pumpkin, carving, template,” and I was shocked — SHOCKED — to discover that no such carving aid exists. (Certainly I’m not the first young politico to have such a need.)
I found templates of everyone from Elvis to Dwight Schrute to those ridiculous characters from the Twilight movies. The President, Mitt Romney, Steve Jobs … ample carving guides exist for all these folks, but not ONE exists of the greatest conservative political mind of this modern era. Ridiculous!
I improvised …
Shortly into the carving process I realized that this was headed for disaster. My beloved Bill looked like his head had been fed through a meat grinder. I don’t dare post a picture. It would most certainly ensure that the current restraining order he has against me would never be lifted.
Anyway, the point of this post is to draw attention to this travesty, and to ask that you all join me in requesting that the Weekly Standard, next October, provide carving templates for the Krist-O-Lantern (and I think it would also be appropriate to provide one for up-and-coming superstar Stephen Hayes — complete with signature goatee and glasses).
Some will say I’m fanatical. Others will recommend mental health therapy (why does everyone keep saying that???) but I still contend that I’m the voice for millions who share my belief that what the world needs now is a hearty dose of “Kristol clarity.”
Thanks for reading.
UPDATE: After I gave up on my Krist-O-Lantern, I settled on this.